213 things Professor Skippy

Professor Johnson has been hired to replace the Principal at a certain high school following a personal emergency on his predecessor’s part. While well-trained and experienced in all aspects of school management, he has found a certain amount of difficulty in dealing with one teacher.

Dr. Smitherson (‘Skippy” to faculty, students, parents and local law enforcement alike) has been teaching here for quite some time (and acquired tenure), and is actually qualified to teach a large number of different subjects at all grade levels. This makes him too valuable to the faculty to actually dismiss him, but his tendencies towards... ’eccentric’ behavior lead Principal Johnson to small, quick meetings with ‘Skippy’ on a regular basis. Dr. Smitherson has compiled a list of the gist of these meetings, and offers them below.

1. Aftershave is not to be applied with a putty knife.

2. Don't tell obscene jokes in front of cheerleaders.

3. Go outside until the sparklers burn out.

4. I am not allowed to tell students that the text in the computer dialogue boxes is ‘the will of Landru.’

5. I am not qualified to diagnose psychological problems, and ‘shallow gene pool’ is not a diagnosis anyway.
6. ...nor is 'too stupid to live.’

7. I can use military time in the classroom, to open up student minds to new ways of looking at things, but I cannot post grades in hexidecimal. (“Sir? I got a 5E on my test...is that good?)

8. I should stop screaming about ‘the power of grayskull’ and hand out the exams.

9. “I was bored” is not an excuse for anything done indoors with a bullhorn and a US Navy-man-overboard whistle.

10. If I cannot remove the ‘Human Head’ warning label from the cooler, I should stop using it to carry my lunch.

11. It is possible to consume too much coffee before giving a lecture.

12. It is wrong to form a pool on what ‘the dumb kid’ will get on the exam.
13. ...even if I split the take with The Dumb Kid.

14. Leave the noble art of dentistry to the professionals.

15. Maniacal laughter is not ‘perfect stress relief’ during finals.

16. Must give the cattleprod back to it’s rightful owner.

17. Must not take collections for the ‘Tomb Of The Unknown Moron' every time the Varsity Quarterback is more than a minute overdue.

18. Must stop telling the class ‘You might be a redneck if…Oh, sorry, John, didn’t see you.’

19. Must stop trying to get the lunchroom cooks to take loyalty oaths.

20. My horoscope for today does NOT say ‘it’ll be a cold day in hell before I give up my prep period.’

21. No one cares how many men went into the bar, nor their professional positions within the hierarchy of their respective religious traditions.

22. No one is interested in who I’m going to hire as my court fool when I am finally rich beyond dreams of avarice.

23. No one wants to hear me go on about what they do to you in the drive-through.

24. No one wants to help me look for my invisible friend.

25. Not allowed to defect during interschool programs.

26. Not allowed to grant asylum to students kicked out of other classes.

27. Not allowed to snort Helium before leading the Pledge.

28. Not to hand out religious and/or suicide counseling tracts during finals week.

29. Not to use ‘South Park’ as a source for lesson plans.

30. Nothing in the Tarot Deck is useful in geometry lessons.

31. Pointers do not need a bayonet mount.

32. Laser pointers cannot be set for ‘stun.’

33. Stop waving hand over the ‘A’ students and saying ‘The Force is strong in this one!’

34. The classroom is not to be wired for ESPN, The Spice Channel or The Cartoon Network.

35. The Inspector General has not authorized me to enter any and all spaces without let or hindrance as a means of stamping out heresy.

36. The list of helping verbs should not be taught in ‘mime.’ Few can tell the difference between my interpretations of ‘is’ and ‘am.’

37. The School fight song is not improved by belching any or all of it.

38. The voices in my head are not ‘in a position to know.’

39. Turns out, when I’m told ‘you wouldn’t dare’ they’re usually wrong.

40. We don’t ask ‘who believes in evolution?’ We also don’t ask who thinks electricity is antibiblical, or if slide rulers violate the Ten Commandments.

41. Not allowed to recreate Ironhall's 'Sky of Swords' in the false overhead...
42. ...even if I bought all the pencils myself.

43. Discipline paddles do not require blood-grooves.

44. We do not dip the ensign when the team bus passes by.

45. We do not hang the flag upside down when the team loses.

46. We do not ‘cut life support’ during thunderstorms to increase power to the ‘shields.’

47. Treason's such a harsh word.

48. We do not shout ‘And the Supreme court be damned!’ when introducing the glee club.

49. Must not adapt ‘Bothered About Dungeons and Dragons’ pamphlets to prove that Chess is satanic...
50. ...even if the D&D nerds in Chess Club think it’s a hoot.

51. Things not to call students: Baboon, worm, whale vomit, doomed, ghost brain, any words of four syllables or more.

52. Not allowed to use biblical scripture in Biology to teach ‘the proper use of a woman.’

53. Not to carve gods in Shop Class…
54. ….no matter how authentically done.

55. I will not fake seizures.

56. I will not bring sheep to class.

57. The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee.

58. The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with "Hail Satan".

59. I will not charge admission to the bathroom.

60. The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy.

61. High explosives and school don't mix.

62. The Math Department cannot secede from the rest of the school.

63. Not to refer to the student body as ‘The future of this country god help us all’ more than once per speech.

64. Professor Johnson agrees with me that 'School's out for summer' but not that 'School's out forever.'
65. ...nor has 'School been blown to pieces'...
66. ...and I should stop giving him 'Teacher's dirty looks.'

67. Not allowed to sell "indulgences" for participation grades.

68. Must stop using 'ghoti' pronounced as 'fish' for a vocabulary word.
(gh as in enough, o as in women, ti as in initiation)

69. There is no such thing as a 2x4 of Knowledge, and I must stop swinging it at the students who aren't paying attention.

70. It is wrong to pop popcorn during a pop quiz on irony in pop culture, even if I do share it with the students that pass the quiz.

71. It is wrong to wilfully exacerbate the fears of my students.

72. Must not teach historical events in random order.

73. My job description is not to ‘winnow out the weak.’

74. Not allowed to flip randomly through channels on TV saying ‘That’ll be on the final. And that. And her….’

75. Not allowed to answer questions with "You want the truth?! You can't handle the truth!!!"

76. Stop chanting ‘students are the enemy.’

77. Not allowed to speculate on what a student would be reincarnated as if they were to die before the end of the semester.

78. If ‘no one cares’ that I do that, they wouldn’t have made it illegal to do that.

79. The ‘Chipmunk Song’ is to be used in moderation, especially when I have access to Helium.

80. Not allowed to use the Kama Sutra as a reference

81. NOt to sing sea shanties with words I can neither define nor spell.

82. Not to say ‘so mote it be’ at the end of any question my students ask.

83. Not to refer to a letter opener as my athame.

84. I do not have the authority to send other people’s kids to military school, no matter what they did.

85. My purpose on Earth is not to ‘freak out the straights.’

86. Not to organize teens into teams for ‘stupid testosterone tricks.’

87. Not to exacerbate my principal’s ongoing feelings of nameless dread.

88. Not to have students calculate the airspeed velocity of a sparrow, laden or unladen

89. The classes of animal are not ‘mammal, lizard, fishy-wishy, and nocturnal.’

90. It is wrong to mark report cards with an estimate of the student’s ability to accelerate ‘From zero to stupid in 6 seconds.’

91. Not to refer to the ornithologist as a birdologist.

92. Not to ask ornithologists to explain flying reindeer. Especially in lecture.

93. Not allowed to give awards to the best and worst homework excuses of the week.

94. When the written excuse reads “Please execute him.” we will assume poor spelling skills before annoucing a parental assassination attempt.

95. If you must refer to Europeans, it’s not pronounced ‘you’re a peein’.’

96. Not to announce that we are engaged in the support of SDI testing and throw coconuts into crowds.

97. Not allowed to excuse my tardiness due to ‘prevailing headwinds’ in the hallway.

98. Not to refer all questions to ‘the nearest ornithologist.’

99. It’s a seating chart…not an order of battle.

100. Not allowed to build ‘forts’ in the workplace.

101. Not allowed to leave in response to the ‘bat signal,’ no matter what dastardly danger threatens fair Gotham.
102. …and take that costume off.

103. Not allowed to hire mariachi bands to play outside the window.

104. The podium is not the ideal support for product placement.

105. Just because the courts say I can, doesn’t mean I should. Or must. Or have a divine mandate.

106. Evolutionary theory is NOT ‘goo to you, by way of the zoo.’ And we’d appreciate you not teaching such mnemonics to students right before the standardized tests.

107. Not allowed to claim you’re the reincarnation of an historical figure for non-educational purposes.

108. Not allowed to send students to the nurse because ‘I broke his brain.’

109. Not allowed to brag ‘I broke his brain’ in the teacher’s lounge.

110. It is not a valid biology project to pick dandelions so I can make wine…

111. If a student’s excuse for being absent includes the phrase ‘a plague rat bit me,’ I will contact the principal for investigation PRIOR to contacting the Center for Disease Control.

112. If a student’s excuse for being absent includes the phrase ‘radioactive contamination,’ I will contact the principal for investigation INSTEAD of the Department of Energy.

113. There is no such medical condition as ‘studentitis.’ Get your butt in to work.

114. It is wrong to attempt to convey to each and every student that THEY are the one I hate the most.

115. When student’s parents accuse me of attempting to destroy their child’s academic career, I will not claim that I wasn’t, really, until this meeting.

116. Not allowed to suggest a direct connection between phrenology and GPA’s.

117. It is wrong to read from a prepared text that is drastically different from the outline projected on the board behind me.

118. If I absolutely must indulge in long, overreactive, vigorous arguments in the classroom, I must choose an opponent other than the invisible sprite that lives in the pencil sharpener.

119. Not allowed to grade oral reports based on the student’s ‘tells.’

120. Not allowed to delegate department head ass-kissing.
121. …especially cannot delegate that task to a student.

122. Not allowed to force students to craft anti-esteem posters.
123. …and get those posters out of the hallway.

124. It is possible to overindulge in sarcasm.

125. Failing the lead students of each class is not the preferred means of fighting rampant grade inflation.

126. Making a cheerleader cry is not the acme of skill as an educator.

127. My right to bitch is NOT superior to the students’ rights to an education.

128. Not allowed to make the class write rebuttals to the vice principal’s professional evaluation of my classroom conduct.

129. If I’m going to make ‘independence’ the topic of group study, not allowed to fail everyone who doesn’t highlight the irony in their group report.

130. Not allowed to pioneer a ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Spell’ program in Engleesh classes.

131. It is wrong to present caveman scenes from 1 Million BC as anthropology.
132. …and fossilized fur bikinis have NOT been discovered in digs in Southern California.

133. “What does he have in his pockets, Precious?” is not a valid test plan.

134. If you don’t feel like working through the proofs for math formula, say so. Don’t claim that the 5th amendment ‘protects me from revealing my source.’

135. The Senate is not an appropriate destination for a drama club field trip.

136. A whore house is not an appropriate destination for a Biology field trip.

137. On career day, not to sit next to one of the presenters and laugh derisively every so often.

138. On career day, it is appropriate to ask the recruiters about a student’s chances of ending up in Iraq. But not allowed to ask the same question at the automechanic’s presentation or the Liberal Art’s table.

139. Stop shouting A glick ahf dir! to students before tests. Even meant well, it frightens the children.

140. When students ask how to tell time by the sun, it is wrong to tell them to stare at it until they see the hands and the numbers.

141. Not allowed to spend more than ten minutes trying to adjust the focus on the overhead when it isn’t turned on.
142. …also can’t gesture towards the blank wall where the overhead ISN’T projecting and indicate these notes are crucial for the final.

143. Seeing Eye Parrots are not approved for classroom use.
144. …and take off that eyepatch, ‘matey.’

145. Not allowed to give extra credit to each student who can ‘guess ANOTHER place I’ve been pierced.’

146. If I don’t want the students to give the lecture, I probably shouldn’t ask ‘You wanna teach this unit, smartass?’

147. Assembly should not be confused with a tent revival.

148. If students refuse to participate in the evolution unit for religious reasons, it is not advisable to throw them the ‘Big Daddy’ Jack Chick tract and say their alternative is to find 10 errors in the pamphlet.

149. No longer allowed to spend class time moaning about the job offers I turned down to work at this godforsaken soulsucking stalag.

150. No longer allowed to refer to this high school as a Stalag.

151. It is wrong to tell students they should think nostalgically of their old lemonade stand as a 'job prospect.'

152. Not allowed to lend students a quarter to retrieve their brain from the pawn shop.
153. …especially if I demand they return at least 20 cents of change.

154. Not allowed to teach that the song ‘Henry the 8th I am I am’ comes from a Shakespeare play.

155. The fat father figure on The Simpsons did not write the Illiad.

156. Not to purposely confuse students on which popular cliches are from The Bible or from Shakespeare’s plays.

157. Not to convince students that a James Bond movie is based on ‘Richard III.’

158. Cannot insult students with quotes from Shakespeare and claim it was an educational aid for the wimpled fly-bitten flap-dragon of a student.

159. REALLY not allowed to teach students how to play at flap-dragon (catching raisins out of burning brandy to swallow them, flaming).

160. And the formation of a flap-dragoning team wasn’t such a bright idea, either, was it?

161. Hey, someone extinguish that student!

162. It is not part of sex education to compare doggy, missionary and patriot sexual positions.

163. My girlfriends are not allowed in the building any more. This applies to the invisible ones, too.

164. No longer allowed to perform autopsies on the lunchroom entrée to figure out what we just ate.

165. Not allowed to put a hand down the quarterback’s shirt and present the class with ‘the world’s dumbest puppet.’

166. Stripper Calculus – wrong. Just horribly, horribly wrong. Never mind the unprecedented levels of class participation.

167. When intercepting student love notes, do not correct spelling or grammar, just confiscate them.

168. If you won’t let the christian students prove god exists in class, you can’t use their grades to prove the apocalypse approaches.

169. Disregard the previous list of things not to be hung in effigy during assembly. NOTHING is to be hung in effigy during assembly.

170. There is no such thing as ‘take your hired escort to work’ day.

171. Not allowed to leave cardboard cutouts of movie stars in the classroom as emergency substitutes.

172. The practice of Phrenology has no place in the classroom, the gym or the gradebook.

173. Open book tests are discouraged in this school.

174. Open ouija board tests are actively discouraged.

175. Open goat entrail tests are actually illegal.

176. Not allowed to encourage confusion about the differences between naturalists and naturists.
177. ….especially when organizing job fair booths.

178. The same applies to the CIA: Cooking Institute of America scholarships do not help one become an international spy.

179. Tarantulas are not the best teaching aid for concepts of nuclear physics. Or anything else, aside from tarantula studies.
180. If Ms. Hall is on top of her desk because there’s a tarantula on the floor, we do not toss the tarantula to the desk to get her to come down safely.
181. …and if that didn’t work, why would you think tossing it into the false overhead would get her down safely from there?

182. There is nothing students have done or can do on the school grounds where the NSA should be notified before the principal.

183. They don’t care how the mystery was solved on CSI, I will not fume superglue in the teacher’s lounge ever again.

184. Not allowed to tell the fat girls that archaeologists have determined the original site of their belly buttons.

185. Not allowed to pop wheelies in the parking lot.
186. …especially when driving a school bus.

187. Invite recruiters to speak to your class. Do NOT challenge Delta Force members to penetrate our perimeter.

188. The next time we suspect a student has obsessive-compulsive tendencies, we will get them therapy, not more work to keep them occupied.

189. Not allowed to staple ‘hire the handicapped’ bumper stickers to report cards of students with D or F averages.

190. Not allowed to show up late to Open House, riding my Harley through the halls to get to my classroom.

191. Not allowed to raffle off ‘A’ grades, no matter what charity gets the profits.

192. Will never again put lead covers on all electrical sockets and tell students it’s to prevent radioactive electricity from the nuclear plant from mutating us all.

193. Will also never again teach the physics class about the inherent dangers of radioactive electricity.

194. Not allowed to ask the ‘A’ students ‘I bet you think you’re smart, don’t you?’

195. Cannot make students climb into the ‘Jeffries tube’ to fix the air conditioning in the classroom.

196. Not allowed to encourage confusion that pubic space is public space.

197. There are some things man was never meant to know. If they are not fit subjects for the human search for knowledge, they’re also unfit for the midterm.

198. I probably shouldn’t offer an alibi before I’m accused of something I claim no knowledge of.

199. The school colors are green and bright yellow. It is only a coincidence that this matches most products produced by John Deere Tractor.

200. Not allowed to park a grain combine in the Principal’s space. Well, when I say ‘in’ I mean more of a ‘centered on’ sort of thing, with that freaking mouth stretching ten feet on either side.

201. Not allowed to sponsor experiments that lead to seven hundred students attending Assembly with socks that smell strongly of raw beef.
202. I also deeply regret the accidental release of three hundred weasels into that Assembly.
203. Must pay particular attention to decimal points. Otherwise 30, which is a funny number becomes 300, which was a lot less funny, all things considered.
204. Must pay attention to detail when cleaning stampede flattened weasels from the auditorium carpeting. And the gym floor. And the hallway. And the stairwell. And that odd corner on the landing. And the fire escape.
205. Cannot set my phone to call-forward everything to the janitor’s office until PETA loses interest in yelling at me.

206. It’s a parent-teacher conference for the benefit of the child, not a challenge. Can’t respond as if they were ‘calling me out!’

207. Can’t take the math class to the Track to demonstrate a unit on odds.

208. Not allowed to charge 80% interest on loans to math students at the track.

209. Must teach the term ‘usury’ to both math and English students.

210. Not allowed to choreograph the ‘helping verbs dance.’ There is no appreciable difference between my interpretations of is, am and are.

211. Not allowed to hum the theme from Jaws when handing out report cards.

212. Not allowed to encourage students to get “Beware the Chipmunks” tattoos.

213. Can’t let students earn extra credit chopping down shrubbery with a herring.