How to drive your SW insane

1. "Hey! I got a promotion! Seems that PETA got the animal testing lab shut down and the rabbits released. And I came up with a solution! Do you, uh, like cosmetics?"   (Illustrated, see below)  

2. Address her as 'worm.' Throw in a few 'mad scientist' cackles as you do.  (Illustrated, see below)  

3. After really good sex, reward her with a coupon that she can redeem in the gift shop. (Illustrated, see below)

4. Announce that she's getting new clothes: A body stocking. Drop her into one leg of a pair of panty hose, lower to floor. With six feet of nylon trailing behind her, make her model it, 'do her little turns on the catwalk.'

5. Announce your random urinalysis policy. Tell her to fill the bottle to 'this' level. (Illustrated, see below)

6.     Apply aftershave in the manner of a frat boy floating a keg. If she passes out, you have done it right.  (Illustrated, see below)    

7. Ask if she's hungry. Blow your nose and offer her 'guacamole.'

8. At the county fair, enter her in the doll making contest. IF she wins, let her keep the trophy.   (Illustrated, see below)    

9. Attach a cardboard tube to the cage at a 45' angle. Tell her it's a Jefferies Tube.

10. Barbeque dinner. Sit staring at the coals, then look from embers to her. "Think it's cooled enough to fire walk?" (Illustrated, see below)   

11. Break down and beg for forgiveness. When she says 'for what?' say, 'Never Mind. If you haven't noticed it...'  (Illustrated, see below)  

12. Buy a book about raising a pet boa constrictor. Leave it out where she can see it.   (Illustrated, see below)  

13. Buy a replacement tire for a lawn mower. Roll it across her dinner. When she stares up at you, slap your forehead. "Oh, it was meals ON wheels for shut ins! Sorry."

14. Buy her an elegant white dress. As she models it, string her to the tree as a Xmas ornament.

15. Buy or make a pinata shaped like a castle, built to her scale.

16. Check her makeup before dinner. Touch it up with standard-sized applicator.  (Illustrated, see below)  

17. Come home and say you've purchased a coffin and made all your post mortem arrangements. "Oh, and they threw in your stuff for free.  Custom made."  (Illustrated, see below)  

18. Come home with a quarter up your nose. Use her as a pick to remove it.

19. Come home with a tin candy box (empty)(or cracker box, any metal container). "Whoa, we had a power outage at work. I was trapped in an elevator for two hours. Here, let me show you what it was like."

20. Cover the cage in mosquito netting.  "You'll thank me later."

21. Experiment with lingerie and swimwear. Draw on her with colored sharpies.  (Illustrated, see below)

22. Get/make/draw a cheerleader costume. Have her cheer your team on the foosball table.   (Illustrated, see below)  

23. Farting contest.  (Illustrated, see below)  

24. Find a porn video with a performer that resembles the SW. Critique 'her' performance. Restage her worst scene.

25. Get the forms to register a new breed of hamster (or make something official looking, say for the Federation of Companion Animals and Pet Societies of North America (or wherever)). Ask how she wants to be listed.

26. Give her a quarterly performance review. Offer ways she can improve next quarter's score. Don't forget to rank her.  (Illustrated, see below)  

27. Hamster Tubes: Build a complex, but make sure that her bathroom is twenty feet from her bedroom, and both two stories below the spot you feed her at.

28. Invite her to a threesome. When she resists, assume that she's just shy. Assure her that at her scale, she'll probably never even see the other SW.  (Illustrated, see below)  

29. Lean close to her cage to burp a love song to her.

30. With some restraints, she would make the perfect finger puppet. Whatever you can't make her do, you can tell her to do.  (Illustrated, see below)  

31. Announce the new house rule: interscale fraternization is mandatory.  (Illustrated, see below)  

32. Pick her up, climb to the top of a ladder, hold her in the air, say, "Before we start, are you as drunk as I am?"  (Illustrated, see below)  

33. Pinch a piece of bread and give it to her. Challenge her to a food fight. Let her go first. Then heft a watermelon into sight.

34. Place a board game outside of her cage. She has to play, by normal rules, with normal equipment, to get breakfast.(Illustrated, see below)  

35. Place an action figure in the cage. Put the action figure 'in charge' when you leave.  (Illustrated, see below)  

36. Solicit the action figure's opinion on a regular basis, especially to corroborate her complaints. (Illustrated, see below)  

37. Place the cage in the sunlight or near the stove. When she complains about the heat find her a cooling unit...one at least four times the size of the entire cage.

38. Practice folding the flag. Have her hold the other end.

39. Spend a day speaking in commercials. Ask if she's gotten enough fiber for today, for example. Has she had a break today? Does she feel....fresh? (Illustrated, see below)  

40. Reach through the cage to tap her on the shoulder. 'Tag! You're it!' Take two steps and sit calmly. Read the paper.  (Illustrated, see below)  

41. Recreate behavioral experiments where marijuana smoke is forced into spiders to see how they perform. See how she does making a Lego pyramid while stoned.   Afterwards, reveal that the 'grass' you burned was scraped out of your lawn mower.

42. Refer her to small claims court. For any and all claims or complaints.   (Illustrated, see below)  

43. Refer to her situation as having been downsized. Make this joke once a day.  (Illustrated, see below)  

44. Refer to previous SWs you've shrunk, known or owned. In the manner of a War Movie Sarge recalling missing friends and comrades. The ones that died miserably. (Illustrated, see below)  

45. Rig house for black. "I hope I'm not about to step on anyone in the dark...."

46. Serve dinner as a buffet. Put her on the floor with a plate, wave to the table, say 'help yourself.'

47. Shadow puppets.  "Hey!  This makes it look like the mallet is, what, twice as big as it really is?  What?  Don't you think optics are cool?"   (Illustrated, see below)

48. She wakes to find her cage locked and a sudoku puzzle taped to the padlock. When she completes the puzzle... (Illustrated, see below)

49. Shoot rubber bands while her back is turned, and then look away quickly.  (Illustrated, see below)

50. Slap a nicotine patch on her. When she points out that she doesn't smoke (right before she runs up the wall, jabbering like a mosquito), say it's a preventive measure. (Illustrated, see below)

51. Slip her a mickey. Then, using superglue, attach everything in her cage to the top of the cage, upside down, while she's sleeping it off.  (Illustrated, see below)  

52. Spend a day coming up with new terms for the shrunken. Weemen, for example ("Look at the cute little weeman I caught!")  (Illustrated, see below)  

53. Ever use a squirt-gun to train a cat to keep off the furniture? Your SW won't be confused by strange streams of water from no-where. Upgrade to a supersoaker to keep her off the stairs. (Illustrated, see below)

54. Take a bite of a sandwich, lean over the cage and ask her: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"

55. Tell her a visitor is coming and you want her to look nice. Whip out the iron, say you're going to put military creases in her birthday suit.

56. Tell her you have a crush on her. Then sit on her. (Illustrated, see below)  

57. Tell her you're double-dating tonight. Hit her twice with a rubber date-stamp.   (Illustrated, see below)  

58. Tinker with the clock near her cage, making it a random number generator.   (Illustrated, see below)  

59. Use a sharpie and draw a bullseye on her butt. Then break out the water pistol... (Illustrated, see below)  

60. Show her your new paintball gun. (Illustrated, see below)  

61. Wave a box over her, making a nasal whining noise. Tell her it's a tricorder, scans show she has a short temper.

62. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly. Occasionally shout 'C'mon, Everybody!'   (Illustrated, see below)  

63. You're providing entertainment at a small bachelor party. Hollow out a cupcake and tell her to get in it.  (Illustrated, see below)

64. You know...if she gets sick, or hurt, there are only two professions in town that are prepared to deal with damage to a person this small: veterinarians and dollmakers.  Ask if she is allergic to glue-gun adhesives... (Illustrated, see below)

65. Threaten that when you get bored with her, she becomes a very special Halloween Treat.  (Illustrated, see below)  

66. Family reunion. If she can keep the kids occupied for the fternoon, she can eat at the adults' table. Or, well, you know...ON the adults' table.  Hide and Seek has always been popular.  (Illustrated, see below)  

67. Play a relaxing game of 'I Spy.' Wait until she's losing to explain that it's Strip I Spy.  (Illustrated, see below)  

68. Bonsai trees just demand bonsai gardeners, don't they? (Illustrated, see below)   

69. Experiment with alternatives for dollhouses. Pretend she asked to be 'cutting edge,' congratulate her for taking such chances. (Illustrated, see below)  

70. Make your own iPod commercial.  (Illustrated, see below)   

71. Give her a pet. Little girls like ponies, don't they? And real little girls should like real little ponies. Just not a little real pony...  (Illustrated, see below)

72.  Loan her out to relatives whose kids still believe in the Tooth Fairy.  "If you get caught, the parents will disavow all knowledge..."  (Illustrated, see below)

73. She wakes in a strange place, to the sound of your voice shouting: "Quick!  Cut the yellow wire!  Before it goes off!"  (Illustrated, see below)

74. Static shock. Keep promising, next time, the very next time at the supermarket, you'll buy fabric softener.  (Illustrated, see below)

Note:  'Giant,' in this context, refers to a relative scale, not a gender.  Most of these could as easily be applied to a giantess.  The exact scale of the SW is also variable.  Some of the bullets require a fashion-doll size, some would work better for a Land of the Giants size.  No slight is intended by the author towards any fandom, by gender, scale or setting.